Review: Falling for Christmas by Lindsay Lohan on Netflix
And yet, like so many other optimistic humans, I keep returning to Lohan Country in the hope that one day… one day – she puts her life and career back on track. (Damn you, mean girlsto keep us here!)
Lohan’s latest attempt at something worth watching is a new Netflix movie titled Fall for Christmas. It’s one of approximately 8,500 seasonal films releasing this year and, having landed on November 10, it’s one of the first.
I’m here to watch it, so you don’t have to. (Oh, and I’ll literally tell you everything, so consider this your spoiler alert.)
12:50 a.m.: Lindsay Lohan is Sierra Belmont. We know she’s terrible because she wears a padded eye mask in bed which, in the movies, as we all know, is the universal signifier for Mean Rich Lady.
1:05: Opening credits cut of boring fancy people at a Rich People ski resort. We know they annoy rich people because they all wear fluorescent colors and an air of self-righteousness.
2:21 a.m.: Sierra conducts a tight exposure scene on the phone with a sexually ambiguous Brit. Meet Tad, her (surprise!) boyfriend and someone who calls himself “one of Hype magazine’s top social influencers.” Sierra is a hotel heiress who doesn’t want to work for her father. This movie is going to be tough.
3:00 a.m. Phone convo, a four-person “glam team” and a personal assistant named Terry – who is a 1990s stereotype of a professional gay man – arrive at Sierra’s hotel room and begin giving him some champagne and caviar while she complains about people thinking she’s spoiled. This film is not subtle on any level.
4:30 am: A skier makes a series of small jumps on the slopes. We know he is a good (probably poor) person because his clothes are soft colors and he is accompanied by upbeat music.
4:50: The Good Poor Man is called Jake. He tries to talk to Sierra’s father because he needs an investor for his Regular People Ski Lodge, which isn’t doing very well. Then the two race each other downhill because that’s absolutely how people do business at ski resorts.
5:19 AM Jake keeps doing unnecessary little ski jumps. Please fall, please fall, please fall.
8:50 AM Jake lives in a snow globe of your Aunt Jackie’s Christmas decorations with a horse named Balthazar, a sweet grandmother, and a girl who constantly smiles like she’s in a Macy’s seasonal commercial.
1:45 p.m.: Tad says the phrase “Gondolas are for losers” and dear god, how am I going to finish this movie?
2:15 p.m.: Sierra starts singing with “Jingle Bell rips‘ in Tad’s car, because she just released this single, so let’s go.
3:11 PM Back in Aunt Jackie’s snow globe, Jake takes a couple from an Old Navy commercial for a sleigh ride.
5:33 PM Tad takes Sierra to the top of a mountain to propose. Sierra is dressed in a pink version of the bride’s yellow and black jumpsuit. Kill Bill so, frankly, who can blame him?
6:33 PM Jake’s ever-smiling child writes a wish and hangs it on a tree at the local Christmas market. A creepy Santa look-alike sees this, smiles oddly, and the wish flies through the air and straight into a blizzard. Said snowstorm hits Sierra and it falls from the side of the mountain. I’m already exhausted.
7:35 p.m .: I sneakily suspect that this movie is about to become Goldie Hawn’s main role 1987 romantic comedy, At the sea, in which a Mean Rich Lady (she also wears an eye mask in bed) has an accident, loses her memory, and then learns to be a good person by doing chores for A Working Man.
9:31 p.m .: This film has just turned into At the sea. This is the part where Goldie Hawn wakes up in the hospital and can’t remember who she is or what happened to her, but she’s enough of herself to still be awful to anyone who tries. help and they can’t wait to get rid of her. Insert: Lindsay Lohan and a more diverse cast.
11:23 p.m.: Jake – who discovered Sierra on his Old Navy sleigh ride – volunteers to take her back to the snow globe until they can find out who she is. (Dude. Giving away free hotel rooms to strangers could be why your business fails.)
10:03 PM Sierra has arrived at Jake’s dressing room wearing a festive hospital gown and without a headband, because those evaporate the second you leave the hospital. The smiling child sees Sierra and smiles. Danny from the brilliant just crossed my mind and I don’t know why…
10:15 PM Sierra has a huge, fully decorated Christmas tree in her gigantic bedroom. (Jake, man, we really need to talk about how much your struggling lodge wastes on excessive Christmas decorations…)