“My two children are engaged but I don’t like a fiance. Do I have to pay for both weddings? ‘

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Next year my oldest daughter will marry her longtime partner and I am over the moon. He’s a lovely, caring guy with a great job. He makes sense, they already have two kids together and I promised him I would give them £ 10,000 to help pay for their marriage.

My other daughter, two years her junior, has also decided to get married, although she has not yet decided on a date. I suspect that her older sister’s wedding plans prompted her to continue.

She’s been with her partner for about two years and I’m afraid I don’t have much time for him. He floats from job to job, they always have money issues, and I suspect she must have bailed him out financially on more than one occasion. He’s a nice enough man, but sometimes I’m afraid he’ll hurt my daughter. They seem happy together, but I constantly worry about his financial situation.

If they get married, which I think they will, would it be wrong for me not to contribute to the marriage, as I plan to do for my oldest child? I don’t think they would be that careful with the money, but more importantly, I don’t think he deserves it. He comes from a fairly well-off family, so they can invest some money, but they’ve never seemed interested in helping before.

For now, I have asked my oldest not to tell my youngest how much I’m giving her. Am I a bad parent?

HF, by e-mail

Even something as important as a wedding gift can be a source of family drama, and it makes sense that you kept the gift to your oldest child for now, given your concerns.

Of course, you don’t have to give anything to anyone, although knowing that hasn’t made you any less guilty of the situation.

If you think your future son-in-law is “taking advantage” of your daughter, it’s probably a good idea to have a conversation with her to voice your doubts.

Assuming it falls on deaf ears and they continue with their marriage plans, you say your reservations about giving the money are double – you don’t think they would be that careful with it. money than your oldest, and you don’t feel like he deserves it.

Addressing the first problem, if you do decide to donate money, it could potentially be addressed with a spending plan. You could ask your youngest to plan how she would spend the money, and you could unlock it in stages depending on whether or not you approve of the roadmap.

It might sound condescending to your daughter, but remember that this is a big amount of money and sometimes it takes difficult conversations. You would do well to remind him of that fact too.

If you are considering going this route, you should ask them to be thorough in their plan, to plan exactly how the money will be spent and with which companies, and to get quotes for goods and services in advance. to the extent possible. This is not something to feel guilty about as you are still a substantial helper even if your daughter and her partner have to go through a few hurdles to receive the money.

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