Easily the worst text message a groomsman could receive a few days before the wedding

Alexa improves.

I’m selfish but I’d rather my boyfriend told me he contracted an exotic illness a few days before the wedding. Nothing life-threatening but something quite heavy where they have to annul the marriage and lose all the security deposits. Perhaps a simple outpatient procedure that still requires a cocktail of body anesthesia and multiple incisions. Something that flirts with your In-Network Out Of Pocket Max without the gravity of facing death. For me that would be a better situation for the wedding party as a whole than throwing a wedding entry dance competition via group text a few days before the reception.

In fact, on second thought, you could give me as much or as little time to prepare myself and it wouldn’t make any difference. I still hate your fucking guts and I am certainly angered by this request.

Now a lot of people tell me to take it easy with the groom. They say It’s classic bridal stuff !! Blame her for the shit idea !!

Personally, I do not subscribe to this theory. The bride and groom become one in the process of planning and developing marriage. Responsibility is divided equally. Just because your buddy takes it out on the ass doesn’t mean he’s free from criticism. What if his old lady implemented this idea? This man has yet to communicate it and this is where it falls apart. You have to be stronger and smarter than that. You have a lifetime of swinging like an emotional rag doll. If there’s a night where you respectfully say, “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, babe,” then it’s that fucking night and it’s for that very specific reason.

I can sound dramatic and it’s genuine. We spoke this week at Barstool Chicago and basically everyone agrees that wedding entrees are the worst. Even so, the majority exist without a script until the minute before you leave. Although smelly, it was an informal and undemanding part of the experience. I’ll roll my eyes if I have to but eventually I’ll suck it and make the entrance. I’ll do it for my good friend.

Where I draw the line is planning. It’s your wedding, buddy. I am doing you a favor by freeing up the calendar to meet an implied obligation that I too wear a rental tuxedo for 14 hours. I’m writing a big check to cover an extra plate or two of the tight-fisted. I’ll dig the shit out of your dance floor with these mercilessly uncomfortable oxfords. And along the way, I promise to chat with your extended family no matter how insignificant or insignificant this conversation may be. I will ask each cousin what their major is and what their career plans are. All the aunts and uncles around you when you were a baby. Family friends won’t leave without knowing that your ambition is the real difference maker among us. Everyone gets the full package when you invite me to the wedding party.

That’s until you tell me I have to choreograph a wedding entry with a goofy bridesmaid. It all goes out the window when you toss $ 50 Lou Malnati gift cards over my head like I’m Pavlov’s dog. The asking price for me to try in this situation is significantly higher.

I hope I am not alone in this quest. Again, not calling for a total entry ban for weddings, but just saying to read the play a bit. Especially when that room is full of people you have selected to celebrate the biggest day of your life. If you can’t get the message out for this crowd, you’ve got much bigger issues than a dull wedding entry set.

That said, don’t be afraid to go heavy gun. Something about black tie finger guns is really playing out. People forget this and I want to remind you of it.

For more on wedding etiquette and proper guest techniques, check out this week’s Snake Draft.

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