Carolyn Hax: Would you let your best friend “copy” your marriage?


Dear Caroline: My best friend, “Amy”, and I have known each other since high school and we are both 32 and engaged. Amy’s wedding was supposed to be next spring and mine is about a year from now.

Until recently, they had no firm plans. Every time I asked about their arrangements so I could request a vacation, she would get sarcastic with me, so I let it go. We met for coffee and I asked if everything was okay because I was worried that her feet were cold and I wanted her to know it was okay to back off if that’s what. ‘she wanted.

Instead, she told me she was worried that all of her ideas for the wedding were stupid and tacky and mine were way better. I said there was no point comparing things and she should just do what makes her happy. Then she came right over and asked me to plan the wedding for her! I told him that I didn’t have time.

A few days ago she posted that she had “finally” booked the venue – the same venue we use. When I asked about it she said she was delaying her wedding until after mine because mine would be much better so she’ll just copy all my ideas. I don’t want my marriage to be “copied”. When I told her she started crying and said it was her only chance to have a good marriage.

Should I give in and leave her? Even if the idea doesn’t excite me, it’s better than losing a friend. My fiancé really hates the idea too but said he left it up to me.

Copied: Shmenu place. Amy lost the plot.

And you kind of lost the plot of his loss of the plot:

First of all, you can’t stop her from copying your entire wedding except to uninvite her, and that would be the only course of action more banana than what she does, so hopefully that’s over.

Second, spending one more minute worrying about the copied wedding tacitly asserts that the wedding decor/theme/plan/dream really matters. The community of people who celebrate with you matters. Treating your guests with hospitality matters. Pleasure matters. Wishes matter. The marriage that follows them matters. The rest? Pfft. Ruffles. Seriously.

Third, for a 32-year-old man who is soon to be married, to be so tight-lipped about this is not acceptable. I worry about her. I’m afraid you don’t care about her as much as I do. Yes, I get it, copying is a weird intrusion into something deceptively personal, and you’re 100% on the idea of ​​better than losing a friend – but that’s all still secondary to a friend who moved into banana alley. On toast and centerpieces. What’s really going on?

So here’s my advice: 1. Find the problem behind the problem. 2. Make check-in coffees regular. If possible, ask her if she would consider professional help with this self-imposed pressure. 3. Maintain these lines: the trappings of marriage don’t matter. She’s not sticky. Or if it is, stickiness is neither a crime nor deadly. She is perfect as she is. “Hey – stop being so mean to my best friend.”

4. Recognize that there is an easy way to cooperate and detach. Invite Amy to “copy” your wedding only through her vendors. You have already worked to choose them; give Amy the coordinates. Assure her that she can trust them to do her version tastefully. Take all duplications as flattery. Your guests won’t care.

Congratulations and deep breaths to you both.

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