Ask Amy: Overbearing In-Laws Demand To Wear Wedding Colors Even When Not At The Wedding Party
Dear Amy: While my husband and I were planning our wedding, my (now) in-laws were too interested in our wedding colors, asking for samples, updates and accent colors.
I was constantly receiving calls and texts from his five siblings, their wives, children, and parents. My husband assured me that they just wanted to coordinate their outfits with the colors of the wedding. It seemed strange.
Yes, they arrived dressed as members of the wedding party, but that didn’t really bother me.
Over the years, I have noticed that at every wedding my large family would dress to match the wedding party. Sometimes they have been mistaken for family members or the bride / groom’s wedding party.
I’ve asked about it and they seem to think it’s basic marriage etiquette, even to the point of acting like I’m making horrible wedding faux pas when I’m not.
I think it’s a bit rude or presumptuous to wear the wedding colors when you’re not at the wedding (unless stated otherwise in the invitation).
My sister recently got engaged. My mother-in-law is already asking her about her colors. My sister asked me to bring up the coordination issue with them, so that they don’t all come across as members of the wedding party.
How to approach this subject with them? They are all convinced that it is extremely rude NOT to coordinate their attire with the wedding party. Is it?
– Ignorant guest
Dear Clueless: The reason wedding guests sometimes ask about wedding colors is actually the opposite of what your in-laws seem to think: it’s to avoid looking like members of the wedding party.
Some married couples try to coordinate the colors of the entire event, but the traditional idea is that the bride and groom, their assistants, and their parents should stand out, and the guests should be the tastefully dressed multi-colored confetti back- plan.
Tell your in-laws that your sister’s color scheme is “… top secret.” She doesn’t want to coordinate colors with the guests. But the bride says she definitely wears white.
Dear Amy: My almost 16 year marriage ended three years ago.
My ex-wife is mentally ill, mentally violent and an alcoholic.
Since the separation, she has been to rehab twice and spent a month in a mental institution.
I filed for divorce. My ex was completely non-compliant with any kind of agreement.
I am on my second lawyer and we are about to judge him.
After we split, I met a wonderful woman and we’ve been dating for two years (around the time I filed for divorce).
My new love is a single / working mom. I have custody of two kids, so it’s sometimes a challenge spending time together, but we find a way to make it work.
I bought an engagement ring nine months ago.
I really didn’t expect my divorce to take this long.
I obviously cannot get married until my divorce is finalized.
My girlfriend knows I want to marry him and knows I have the ring, but the engagement will be overshadowed by the fact that I’m still legally married.
My girlfriend hates the idea of being “the other woman” on paper; even if it is not.
I want to be respectful to my future wife and daughter, but I also want her to know how special she is to me. Do I wait a few more months, or am I giving her the ring now?
– Stuck in the transition
Dear Struck: You and your partner should keep doing your plans together, but you should wait to give him the ring and get “officially” engaged.
One of the reasons for this is that giving her the ring might actually delay your divorce.
If your wife is not coming to the table and she finds out that you are impatiently planning to get married, knowing about this might cause her to delay further.
Another reason to wait before giving her the ring is to show all of your children that no matter how complicated life is (they already know it), there is order in things, and you behave accordingly.
Dear Amy: Your response to “Tired,” the woman yawning with her angry boyfriend, missed an important point. Tired should speak to their doctor and do a sleep study. This can be done at home and could most likely show that she has sleep apnea.
His symptoms are similar to mine. Sleep apnea is not only exhausting and bothersome… it is dangerous.
Dear Awake: Very good advice. Thank you.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.